Le Qweef

by Joanna D.

There is something that happens to women all over the world, at least several that I know. It’s generally not talked about, unless you’re with a couple of close girlfriends; there may even be wine involved. It can be quite a memorable moment really, encompassed by the term… qweef. What’s a qweef? one might ask. Well, it’s when air, involuntarily, gets sucked into a woman’s vagina and then escapes rapidly creating a sound similar to that of passing gas. It’s uncontrollable. Usually catching the woman off guard – perhaps a bit embarrassed, depending on the circumstances. There is no telling when this might happen and it’s completely out of our control.

Remember this is not passing gas. It has nothing to do with what I ate for lunch or a continual fight towards regularity. (More on that later.) And it is certainly not as frequent. Statistically speaking, depending on your lifestyle.

The other day as I was doing the finishing postures in the women’s changing room, I felt it. As soon as I lifted up into Sarvangasana, shoulder stand, the air entered in. Damn it. The one thing I had going for me, is that I knew it was geared up to go; but still, I had no control and no telling when it would make its escape. I moved through the shoulder stand series… nothing happened. Matsyasana… nothing. The instant I went into Utanapadasana it happened. Damn it. I mean it’s not like I can look at the person next to me and apologize and say, “Seriously, that wasn’t a fart.” Because it’s not quiet – it’s very audible. At least in my experience. And you know… once… no big deal, but three days in a row? Now that’s a little annoying.

At least I wasn’t closing out on stage in the main room…