“Eat only once, once per day.”

by Joanna D.

It’s not the first time a teacher has mentioned I should trim it down. Perhaps Sharath’s approach was a bit subtler; it was certainly still direct – to the point. Oh man. I know that the intention of this suggestion is not to take me down a notch. Nor is it an implication that I am in some way inadequate. In fact, I believe it is coming from a place of love and caring. They see me struggling, they know that dropping weight would help, so one way or another the conversation comes. Unfortunately, the monsters come too.

I was the first girl in my class to get boobs. I was taller, wider, and at some point a boy named Aaron called me “thunder thighs” on the four square court. Fourth grade – brutal. Still remember what that felt like. It got worse once I started running track. Whoa. Much of my younger years were spent feeling bad about myself. Striving, trying but, never fully believing. During that time, the monsters were born. They are the ones that sit in the back of my brain and wait for the opportunity to remind me of their presence. Throwing stones – a one-two punch. Brutal. It’s conditioning at it’s finest. Lie number one, “Look like this (magazine cover model) and someone will love you and make you happy.” Lie number two, “You can’t do it? You totally suck. Loser.” Lie number three, “Hey Fatty McFatfat.” And so on.

Now I’m here with none of the usual distractions of work, nights out, dinners, drinks… the inner workings of my brain are not as occupied. So they get loud. When they get poked they get louder. Currently… Loud.

I’ve got at least two things going for me. One: the practice. Two: awareness. So I continue. Keeping faith that one day, through practice, I’ll knock those monsters out. Suckas.